When Will They Ever Learn?

We hosted book group the other night.

My first responsibility is to guard the front door. A dozen women arriving in ones and twos – each and every knock worthy of a bark of greeting-- takes a lot out of my vocal chords! I’m actually hoarse the day after book group… you know, like your voice on the day after a rock concert. Not that I’d know. There are so many places my kind aren’t allowed. Life’s not fair, is it?

Not all the ladies like me, I can tell.

As I circle among their crowded circle, some reach out to pat my head. Some look away, ambivalent-like, hoping I’ll settle somewhere else. Some others seem to pull away. What the heck are they thinking, that I’ve got fleas? Or cooties? “Hey, I’m not a bad guy,” I want to tell them. It’s not like I’d bite‘em or anything.

Some of the women come straight from work, so we serve some substantial savory snacks. Others come after an early dinner. For them we offer a platter of sweets. Boy, do those look good! (Don’t worry, I know the truth about dogs and chocolate.)

All those sumptuous snacks are placed right at sniffing level, on the coffee table or end tables, easily within our guests’ reach. Even a short guy like me can reach this buffet.

You think it’s easy to resist? I assure you, it is not! I get within a foot of those platters and I hear my name called, as if it’s a long, slow crescendo warning: “Scooouuuut…” Her voice rises. If I dare go any nearer, the call becomes a staccato punch: “SCOUT!” She barks! With feeling!

Some of those ladies won’t eat anything if the snout of Scout comes too near to the plate. Having reached the age of maturity, I appreciate the boundary setting. It’s always helpful to know the rules. In the book group, there are a lot of rules.

As they wrap up their discussion, I feel my resolve weakening. What is it they say about not letting yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired? I’m not angry or lonely, but it’s been hours since my last bit of kibble and running the book group makes me dog tired.

I take a quick look around. Surely no one is watching as they say their goodbyes. In a quick burst of energy, I sneak a little piece of brie. Just a taste, really. No harm done, or so I think.

“Oh, no!” says one of the ladies. “It looks like you’ll have to throw out the brie.”

But don’t they know a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s?

No matter how many books they read, some folks just never seem to learn.